Our friends at Apple will have us believe that there’s an App for, well, everything. And there are some good ones, especially when it comes to dating. Your iPhone can become a tracking device to locate all the booty within your metro area, or turn into a sex toy when you do meet up with said booty. Still, there are a few Apps I’d like to see:

iCuddle – If you love to be the little spoon and your boyfriend prefers to roll over and turn on SportsCenter, this app would make him hold you. You’d program the length of a cuddle, and he’d wear the phone on an armband; the motion sensor could determine if he was cuddling, and an annoying song would start blasting if he ever got more than three inches away from you.

100 Greatest Flirtexts – For $2, you would have access to lines guaranteed to make an impression on your crush. Just select how forward you want it to be and get a list of options of what to say. Not sure when to insert an emoticon or what to say to make sure he makes weekend plans? Leave it to an expert.

That’s the Spot – This App would use the iPhone’s GPS technology to help a dude navigate your body. A lovely guide would direct him. “More to the left.” “Now nibble on her ear.” “Oh, no, her hair!”

What’s His Name Again? – Use the camera on your iPhone to discreetly snap a pic of the guys you meet. Organize them by availability, good qualities, and distinguishing features. No more of those moments at brunch when you find yourself saying, “Wait, wasn’t the Irish guy the one who still lived with his mother?”

Voodoo Ex-Boyfriend – Upload a pic of the cheating bastard and then shake the phone to make bad things happen to him. A little wiggle makes him start to cry. Tap the phone to make acne appear all over his face, then give it a good hearty shake to make his genitals shrivel up and fall off.

Two Guys, One Night – Have you ever tried to manage your booty call texting because you don’t know who is going to respond first? There’s your oh-so-sexy but unreliable fling, and your not-as-mind-blowing sure thing. This App would use an algorithm to determine when to text each guy, how to keep them both from showing up at the same bar, what your odds are of going home with choice number one, and when to settle for choice number two.

You are NOT the Father – If you literally have two guys in one night and don’t want to head to the Maury show, this App would make at-home paternity testing possible. The touch screen could read potential baby daddies’ DNA to prove who the father is (even if he swears, “That baby don’t look like me!”)

Hey, Geniuses, are you listening?

Related: There’s an App for That!