TechCoquette » Email

Keep It Short and Sweet When Flirting Online

Jordan Barnes — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 10:00:32 +0000

Twitter got it right. When this micro-blogging service came to concept, many people weren’t impressed by the idea of using only 140 characters to express something. But the social networking site took off to become the fastest growing in history. And when it comes to online flirting, the Twitter model might be the right way to go. Long messages, texts and e-mails are less likely to get a reply than something a little shorter, and, well, a little sweeter. Just like with social networking, social flirting should be simple and quick.

Remember to save the long stories, explanations and history for real life meetings. Like with anything on the internet, most users are only likely to read the first couple paragraphs of a profile or watch the first 30 seconds of a personal video. Be thoughtful about what you say up front. Get the important details – like your areas of interest, goals and ambitions – out quickly or they might not ever be read. Don’t think of your profile as you, but rather as a sleek, edited representation of yourself. You need to impress quickly in order to be competitive, even in the online dating world, and you can save the gory details for a real life encounter.

The same rules definitely apply when sending a message or an e-mail to a potential lover, friend or date. Obviously make sure to show an interest in something the person said previously or posted in their profile, but don’t drone on and on about yourself. Each message or e-mail should be thought of as part of a conversation – just say enough so that the conversation can continue, no need to write a novel. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the days of the long love letters is over. Even these days, soldiers overseas look forward to Skype chats with their loved ones as opposed to letters that take weeks to arrive. So there’s no reason for you to send a 12-paragraph e-mail to someone you’re trying to date. Remember, a little bit of mystery goes a long way. Save the intense conversational topics for a first or second date, not a first or second message. Unless you’re a novel writer, your life story will be a lot more interesting coming through a face-to-face chat or broken down into several back and forth messages.

Essentially, the key to the internet is to remember that the shorter, the better – and this rule applies to the online dating world as much as anywhere else. When it comes to personal interactions, people may have longer attention spans, but the medium of the internet substantially shortens people’s attention spans, so limit yourself to a short witty repartee, a quick piece of a conversation saying just enough to leave them wanting more. After all, isn’t the point of flirting online just to make sure you get to test your skills in person?

Online Snooping: Are You a Saint or a Sinner?

Rachel Wilkerson — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 15:51:16 +0000

Dating in the digital age brings a lot of benefits. How many of us would be single if it weren’t for text messaging? But is there is such a thing as too much information. There’s the TMI we share with others, and then there’s the TMI we actively seek out about those we are dating. Looking at a laptop or a cell phone, we feel like Eve in the Garden of Eden. Just one little bite can’t hurt … or can it? Some tech offenses are pretty saintly, while others are straight-up sin.

SAINT: Googling your date. We’ve already investigated the pros and cons about Googling a date, but when it comes to crossing the line, Googling is no big deal. And if you’re going out with someone for the first time, first checking to see if he’s a sex offender may be a good idea.
SINNER: Checking your date’s Gmail. An email account is a private, private place. You may break into his Gmail looking for emails from his ex … but you’ll also have access to emails from his family, his colleagues, his accountant … that’s dangerous territory. And once you’ve accidentally stumbled upon something you don’t like, you won’t be able to get it out of your mind.
SAINT: Stalking your date’s Facebook. Going through your date’s pictures isn’t a huge deal. Sure, some of the things you see there might mislead you, but as long as you take what you see with a grain of salt, it’s not crossing the line. And yes, it might be good to know if girls are all up on his Wall about how much fun they had last night. If he’s putting it out there, you don’t have to feel bad about reading it.
SINNER: Reading your date’s Facebook messages. So you know his password, or he accidentally stayed logged in at your place. Reading someone’s messages is a no-no. As with email, it’s a private space, but also consider that a lot of people don’t take Facebook too seriously. If a girl messages him, “You look great! I miss you, let’s get together soon!” and he sends a message back that he misses her too, he may just be trying to keep her at bay. Or she may be his cousin.
SAINT: Checking the phone bill. If you’re in a serious relationship and you notice a bunch of calls to or from the same number – a number you don’t recognize – it might be a tip-off that you’re dealing with a cheater, especially if he’s exhibiting other shady behavior.
SINNER: Checking the phone. Yes, checking a guy’s phone and reading his text message can prove a guy is up to no good, but if you’re in the kind of relationship where you feel like you need to do this, you need to take a look at yourself and at your relationship. What’s making you feel so insecure? Why don’t you trust him?

If You Find Some Dirt

Now, whether you just take a bite or eat the whole damn apple, you may discover something you don’t like. How do you deal?

SAINT: Confront the bigger issue. Don’t be specific. If you break into his Gmail and see that he hasn’t told you his dad is having major health problems, maybe it’s time to open a casual conversation about family. If you see he is in terrible debt, then maybe it’s time to have a money talk. And if there’s a mysterious woman, have a chat about how often you talk to your exes. If he doesn’t give you the answer you’re looking for though, don’t press it. When you snoop online, it’s very easy to be misled, so don’t scream, “Well, how about the fact that your college girlfriend is going to be in town this weekend!?!?”
SINNER: Do not confront him and tell him you know everything that’s been going on and that he’s a liar. First, he’ll be so pissed you were snooping; he’ll make that the center of the argument. If it’s not true – and it very well may be a misunderstanding – he’s never going to trust you in the same way. Suddenly you’ve gone from the great, laid-back girlfriend to the crazy bitch. If it is true, he’ll just be sorry he got caught, and he’ll find a way to make you feel really bad for snooping. The kind of guys who are texting multiple women are really good at that trick – suddenly he’s the one who cheated, but you’re the one apologizing.

Like Eve, you may sometimes find you’re dealing with a snake – but that doesn’t give you an excuse to sin. If you find yourself constantly tempted, it may be time to find a guy who treats you like the apple of his eye.

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How to Respond to a Breakup Email

Rachel Wilkerson — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 10:00:47 +0000

There are good ways to get dumped, and there are bad ways to get dumped. Generally, getting dumped via e-mail falls somewhere between Face to face when I knew it was coming and text message from his new girlfriend. It’s not a good feeling when “You’ve got mail” becomes “You’ve been dumped,” but you can make the best of it.

Here are some ways to make the most of your reply:

Resist the urge to immediately forward the breakup e-mail to everyone in your address book, while texting and Tweeting your friends about what happened. Unless the e-mail contains some really hilarious highlights, keep it private. You might want read it to a trusted friend who can help you draft a response, but his 1,200-word missive on why he doesn’t love you anymore doesn’t need to go viral.
Write down everything you want to say in a Word document. Call him names, tell him you faked it, and then beg him to take you back. And then send it to the recycling bin. Phew. Glad we got a few “F bombs” out of the system!
Take a few hours to think of your actual response. In the meantime, take a bath, go for a run, read about Jessica Simpson’s latest breakup (celebs! They get dumped just like us!). While you’re doing this, consider a few things: First, do you even need to reply? He e-mailed you. To break up. Can we fill that under “F” for what he can now go do to himself and call it a day? (If you’re like every other female, probably not, but it’s worth considering.)
If you decide you must write, what’s your goal here? Do you want him to feel bad? Take you back? Regret it? If he’s e-mailing you, he probably checked out weeks ago, so remember that no matter what you say, he’s not going to feel that bad.
Keep it short and to the point. Start with an opening remark that points out that this is a 10 on the Wuss Scale. If you still care about him: “I really would have appreciated you telling me this in person. Seriously??” If he was a douche bag to begin with: “An e-mail? Well, I would have expected nothing less from a guy who is living at home because he’s 30 years old and still thinks his band is ‘totally gonna make it.’”
Then respond to his reason for breaking up with you. If it’s a good reason (“I just can’t do the long distance thing anymore”), acknowledge it, and feel free to include a “but.” Example: “I understand that things have changed since college, but I thought we both cared enough to keep working at it.” If it’s a stupid reason, respond to it directly, laced with as much bitchiness/sarcasm as you’d like. Example: “Oh you want to see other people?? Because women are just lining up to date a guy on unemployment with a receding hairline? Well, don’t let me stand in your way.”
If you’re heartbroken, it’s tempting to really to try to make him feel bad. But this is your dignity on the line. You can say, “I’m really shocked and upset. Our relationship meant a lot to me and it’s going to take me a little while to get over this.” You probably shouldn’t say, “How could you??? You told me you loved me. I’ll never get over you.”
Making bold declarations can come back to bite you in the ass when you can’t stick with them. “I hate you and never want to talk to you again” loses all of its power when you get drunk and call him in three days. Err on the side of caution, ’cause you’re probably gonna get drunk and call him in three days.
Don’t bother to tell him – in any way, shape, or form – that he’s going to regret it. It looks desperate. You don’t need to give him a long list of all the reasons you’re better off without him. And don’t say “thank you.” People looooove to say “thank you” in breakup emails! “Thank you for making me realize…” No. Unnecessary.
It’s OK to write, “It’s hard to be upset about this when I’ve been boning your brother all summer” – but only if it’s true.
Above all, do not swing between hurt, hysterical, and vengeful. “You’ll never find anyone better than me” plus “I will always love you” plus “You’re a f****** piece of s***” adds up to crazy. And once you put crazy on the Internet, there’s no getting it back.
Don’t write back with the goal of changing his mind or getting a good response. He went through e-mail because he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. Subsequent e-mails are going to get shorter and shorter (if he responds to you at all).

As annoying as it is to get dumped by e-mail, try to remember you’ve been given a gift. Not only are you free of a man who thinks it’s appropriate to breakup via e-mail, but you also have a chance to think about your response. You can cut and paste. You can choose your words carefully. And you can hide your pain. You may be sobbing whilst double-fisting whipped cream and tequila, blasting “I Will Survive” as you prepare to hit “Send,” but he doesn’t have to know that.

Comment below: Share your “He broke up with me via e-email” stories.

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When Is It OK to Break Up Over Email?

Justin Dimos — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:48:54 +0000

The act of breaking up with your significant other over email isn’t exactly regarded with the most enthusiasm nowadays. In fact, the breakup email is often seen as cowardly and even insulting, loaded with all the cold professionalism and biting brevity of a resignation letter. It’s as if the heartbroken recipient is a subscriber to a love newsletter, and you’ve decided to inform them that you’ll no longer be providing your service. That’s just extremely bad form, and who can blame the heartbroken for retaliating in some fashion or other?

Truth is, technology is part of our daily lives, and “Dear John” letters sent via email are part of our routine now, as well. Of course, it’s always better to deliver the bad news in person instead of carefully crafting that vague paragraph about how you don’t click anymore, or how you need to take a break from the relationship, or how you need some me-time to figure out exactly what you want (which obviously isn’t the person you’re dating). But is throwing in the romantic towel over a Facebook private message or your gmail account ever a good choice? Hmm … now that’s a good question.

What if you’ve only been on a few dates with the person? Then maybe, sure, why not send a polite but direct email to that casual acquaintance stating that your time together was fun but that you’re looking for something different? But what if you’ve been dating for weeks or even a few months and the other person doesn’t suspect anything is wrong with the way things are progressing? How can we legitimize a breakup email with someone who’s earned the right to a conversation? Plus, have you ever heard a story that begins with he broke up with me over email … and ends with … but we’re still really good friends? At least I haven’t. Odds are you’ll hear a better story about someone buying the best sushi they’ve ever tasted from a gas station freezer. In other words, not good.

However, email might be the right choice to segue into the breakup convo you want to have. What’s wrong with an email that simply states, we need to talk? It could be a convenient prep for the big discussion, deflating some of the heated drama beforehand. Still, though, an email or even a text message that hints at an impending doom could get you in some serious hot water. Think of the rumors about you that could spread around town or over the Internet:

He doesn’t have the balls to call it quits to my face.
My ex couldn’t even do me the dignity of discussing the breakup like adults.
Who would want to date a person who can’t communicate in person but only by Facebook chat?

Let’s not forget about the option to reply either. You press that “Send” button, and you’re essentially inviting that person to respond with the full blast of their emotions, detailing all the situations and reactions that proved exactly how bad a girlfriend or boyfriend you were, be them truthful or distorted. At that point, all you can do is take the abuse and repeat how over the relationship you truly are (if you respond at all, which is yet another even greyer area than sending the email in the first place).

When It Can Be OK to Breakup Over Email

Look, breaking up is always hard to do, especially when you still care about the person with whom you’re cutting ties. But remember that only you know whether an email is appropriate or not (although it helps to get the opinion of a third party). A brief email with a few reasons for the breakup may actually be your best chance to come away relatively unscathed, should you venture down the cyber-path to relationship freedom.

Bear in mind that there are always extenuating circumstances. Maybe your better half cheated on you, and you don’t particularly want to make a scene in a public place. Maybe you cheated on them, and every time you open your mouth to tell them, something completely different comes out. Maybe your band is leaving on tour and you don’t think you can be faithful to a person you’ve only been seeing for two months. (An email breakup from a musician may be sleazy but realistic!) All in all, better judgment and common sense will save you from hurting your partner in the long run, and you may need to use email as a last resort given your situation.

Only one thing’s for certain: in-person breakups are always acceptable when handled with maturity and grace, but most (if not all) emails raise serious questions that may instigate tears, anger, fury, hope and who knows what else. Good or bad choice? Just remember that emails don’t absolve you, and they could cost you more time and emotional stress in the long run. A conversation may last a few hours at most, but at least you walk away clean, whereas pressing “send” may open the doorway to a barrage of responses and rumors that may irrevocably tarnish your dating reputation for months afterwards (if not longer, especially if you travel in similar circles).

Comment below: Have you ever broken up over email?