However, it does happen that somewhere along the line, you might want to actually gain them back as a Facebook friend. While it’s pretty obvious how you would go about re-friending an ex, the real question is going to be why do you want to? And is it really a good idea, considering your reason?

You’re re-friending an ex in order to…

Check up on the ex

Many times, curiosity gets the best of us, and we really just have to know if our former flame is dating someone else or is even still in the same state as we are. Did he gain weight? Did she lose her job? Who’s writing on his wall?! While it might drive you crazy not to know what’s going on in his or her life, it will probably make you even more batty knowing what he or she is up to. In this case, if you’re just being nosy, and have no interest in getting back together with the ex, leave this one alone. Even if you hit the re-friend button, the other party in the past relationship might suspect something is up and deny your friend request anyway. Which will probably just take those crazy levels up another notch.

Let them see you and what you’re doing

If this is your motivation, I suspect life is going pretty well for you. And this is your way of gloating and saying, “Look how well I’m doing and how hot I’ve gotten since we broke up.” Frankly, probably not the most mature reason for trying to reconnect with an ex on Facebook, but I’m not here to judge. If this happens to be your logic, then consider why you want them to know you’re living life – post-relationship – to the fullest. Were you insecure about something when you were with her? Are you actually trying to make him want you back? Be honest with yourself on this one, and then decide whether or not re-friending the guy you recently referred to as your “psycho ex-boyfriend” is such a good idea.

Show that you’ve made amends

This is one intention I won’t argue with, because it’s actually a pretty good one. You’ve moved on, but you also want to show that you haven’t burned that bridge. Or if you have, you wouldn’t mind rebuilding it. Maybe you realize that you ended the relationship a bit dramatically, or that you flung some harsh words you didn’t mean, and having that person in your life wouldn’t be such a bad thing. As long as making amends doesn’t truly mean ‘stealing him back from the bitch he’s dating now,’ then, with this reason, you’re in the clear.

Just like any other way you might reconnect with an ex, consider seriously why you want to re-friend the old boyfriend or girlfriend on Facebook. If it’s with the best intentions, go for it. If not … well, again, there’s always de-friending.

Comment below: Have you re-friended an ex?

More Articles on Facebook and Your Ex:

• Keeping It Cool With an Ex on Facebook
• Let’s Not Be Friends: Facebook Ex Etiquette
• When Is It OK to Block or Defriend a Guy?
• Hate Reading Your Ex’s Facebook Wall? Learn How to STOP.
• Breaking up (on Facebook) is hard to do
• Facebook revenge: Announcing your breakup and blocking your ex

If you actually meant that line about still being friends, Facebook defriending may help you create the space you need to become comfortable on your new footing. You may refriend him the future, when time has passed and you’re both ready to reconnect; but until then, you don’t have to be reminded of him whenever you see his status updates. Also, you won’t have to read sickly-sweet wall chatter between him and his new girl, and you won’t be reminded when he goes back to your favorite brunch spot. Even after a mutual decision to split, reading a feed of your ex’s daily life and thoughts can be unpleasant.

Good manners are never as essential as when dealing with an ex with whom you share friends. There’s no Emily Post of Facebook (yet), but you can’t go wrong maintaining distant politeness with an ex, online or off. Defriending — even if you didn’t initiate it — helps you maintain a classy distance. Think Jackie Kennedy here, not Carrie Bradshaw.

Defriending also provides essential emotional space for you to recover gracefully from a breakup. If you know your latest status update isn’t appearing immediately on his home page, you’ll have a bit more Facebook freedom, and you won’t have to pause before updating your status to imagine him reading it. Remember, nothing on Facebook is really private, especially with mutual friends reading, so your Facebook wall is still not the space for you to share your post-breakup angst. Save that for drinks, close friends and privacy.

Plus, if you’re inclined to bittersweet obsessive page-checking and wall reading, you’ll be saving yourself hours of agonizing over what your ex really meant by that innocuous status update.

If your breakup wasn’t an amiable parting of the ways, defriending draws a clear line of separation between you and Mr. Horribly Wrong. If he does leave nasty status updates or notes, you won’t have to see them and be drawn into a tacky battle.

Don’t be sucked into this, no matter what he says about you, women in general or the end of the relationship.  Unfortunately, any response to his ridiculous assertions, whether it’s a self-pitying note on his poor broken heart or a rant on the failings of the female gender, gives him credibility and much-desired attention. Pretend you hadn’t even heard, and practice a distantly polite in-person response for mutual friends who think they really ought to tell you what your ex has been saying. Sure, it’s hard not to react, but let his bitterness and anger stand in stark contrast to your quiet class — is it any wonder you broke up with someone like that?

Even if you’ve unfriended each other, you can still leave notes on mutual friends’ walls about what a great time you had last night (without him), how much you love being single, how great your last booty call was, or other comments obviously meant for your ex’s attention. You wouldn’t use your friends just to get back at an ex, so don’t use your friends’ walls as a place to fight with your ex.  You run the risk of alienating friends by pulling them into a tacky spat, and you could also come out looking petty and mean to any potential new guys in your Facebook network.

There are always touchy etiquette issues when recent exes are on the same social network, but keep it classy! Your new boyfriend could well be reading.
 
Related posts:

• When Is It OK to Block or Defriend a Guy?

• Hate Reading Your Ex’s Facebook Wall? Learn How to STOP.
• Facebook Revenge: Announcing Your Breakup and Blocking Your Ex

Here are some ways to make the most of your reply:

• Resist the urge to immediately forward the breakup e-mail to everyone in your address book, while texting and Tweeting your friends about what happened. Unless the e-mail contains some really hilarious highlights, keep it private. You might want read it to a trusted friend who can help you draft a response, but his 1,200-word missive on why he doesn’t love you anymore doesn’t need to go viral.

• Write down everything you want to say in a Word document. Call him names, tell him you faked it, and then beg him to take you back. And then send it to the recycling bin. Phew. Glad we got a few “F bombs” out of the system!
• Take a few hours to think of your actual response. In the meantime, take a bath, go for a run, read about Jessica Simpson’s latest breakup (celebs! They get dumped just like us!). While you’re doing this, consider a few things: First, do you even need to reply? He e-mailed you. To break up. Can we fill that under “F” for what he can now go do to himself and call it a day? (If you’re like every other female, probably not, but it’s worth considering.)
• If you decide you must write, what’s your goal here? Do you want him to feel bad? Take you back? Regret it? If he’s e-mailing you, he probably checked out weeks ago, so remember that no matter what you say, he’s not going to feel that bad.
• Keep it short and to the point. Start with an opening remark that points out that this is a 10 on the Wuss Scale. If you still care about him: “I really would have appreciated you telling me this in person. Seriously??” If he was a douche bag to begin with: “An e-mail? Well, I would have expected nothing less from a guy who is living at home because he’s 30 years old and still thinks his band is ‘totally gonna make it.’”
• Then respond to his reason for breaking up with you. If it’s a good reason (“I just can’t do the long distance thing anymore”), acknowledge it, and feel free to include a “but.” Example: “I understand that things have changed since college, but I thought we both cared enough to keep working at it.” If it’s a stupid reason, respond to it directly, laced with as much bitchiness/sarcasm as you’d like. Example: “Oh you want to see other people?? Because women are just lining up to date a guy on unemployment with a receding hairline? Well, don’t let me stand in your way.”
• If you’re heartbroken, it’s tempting to really to try to make him feel bad. But this is your dignity on the line. You can say, “I’m really shocked and upset. Our relationship meant a lot to me and it’s going to take me a little while to get over this.” You probably shouldn’t say, “How could you??? You told me you loved me. I’ll never get over you.”
• Making bold declarations can come back to bite you in the ass when you can’t stick with them. “I hate you and never want to talk to you again” loses all of its power when you get drunk and call him in three days. Err on the side of caution, ’cause you’re probably gonna get drunk and call him in three days.
• Don’t bother to tell him – in any way, shape, or form – that he’s going to regret it. It looks desperate. You don’t need to give him a long list of all the reasons you’re better off without him. And don’t say “thank you.” People looooove to say “thank you” in breakup emails! “Thank you for making me realize…” No. Unnecessary.
• It’s OK to write, “It’s hard to be upset about this when I’ve been boning your brother all summer” – but only if it’s true.
• Above all, do not swing between hurt, hysterical, and vengeful. “You’ll never find anyone better than me” plus “I will always love you” plus “You’re a f****** piece of s***” adds up to crazy. And once you put crazy on the Internet, there’s no getting it back.
• Don’t write back with the goal of changing his mind or getting a good response. He went through e-mail because he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. Subsequent e-mails are going to get shorter and shorter (if he responds to you at all).

As annoying as it is to get dumped by e-mail, try to remember you’ve been given a gift. Not only are you free of a man who thinks it’s appropriate to breakup via e-mail, but you also have a chance to think about your response. You can cut and paste. You can choose your words carefully. And you can hide your pain. You may be sobbing whilst double-fisting whipped cream and tequila, blasting “I Will Survive” as you prepare to hit “Send,” but he doesn’t have to know that.

Comment below: Share your “He broke up with me via e-email” stories.

Related posts:

• When Is It OK to Break Up Over Email?

• Facebook revenge: Announcing your breakup and blocking your ex …
• Breaking up (on Facebook) is hard to do

Of course, you could just not go to any parties that he’s attending, but then you’d have no social life. Likewise, you’re not going to avoid the internet or even just Facebook, just because he’s online. But what are you going to do? De-friend him? If his privacy settings are set so that “friends of friends” or “everyone” can see his wall, then it doesn’t really help – you’ll still be able to see comments on his wall. You can change your News Feed filter so that you don’t see his status updates; at the very least, you’ll be reminded of him less frequently.

But really, it’s a matter of psychology, not technology. “Don’t visit his wall” is easier said than done. What you really need to do is some inner work on your feelings about the end of the relationship, and/or what your ex (emotionally) did for you. Maybe you’re still longing for him, and you haven’t let him go. While you’re grieving the relationship, you’re looking at his wall to still feel connected to him.

How to Avoid Looking at His Wall

Ultimately, self-will is all you have at your disposal. You can probably ad some website-blocking Firefox extension, but you can just as easily disable it. Instead, think of your obsession with your ex as an addiction. The first thing you do when you go to Alcoholics Anonymous is find a sponsor, so find a “buddy” to whom you can be accountable – maybe a close girlfriend who’s often accessible on Facebook chat and via texting. Every time you feel tempted to look at your ex’s wall, message her so that she can talk you out of it. Work with her on developing a list of “things to do other than read his wall”: learn how to stitch, take stupid quizzes, flirt with new guys. Sometimes what you do is less important than the fact that you’ve got someone actively supporting you in getting over your ex.

And if you do look at his wall, don’t beat yourself up. If it appears that he’s moved on and is making new connections with women, then maybe the relationship lasted as long as it needed to. In the same way that Facebook has surpassed MySpace, it’s just a matter of time before you move on to better things.

Related posts:

• Marking Your Territory: Peeing on His Facebook Wall

• Breaking up (on Facebook) is hard to do
• Facebook revenge: Announcing your breakup and blocking your ex

Truth is, technology is part of our daily lives, and “Dear John” letters sent via email are part of our routine now, as well. Of course, it’s always better to deliver the bad news in person instead of carefully crafting that vague paragraph about how you don’t click anymore, or how you need to take a break from the relationship, or how you need some me-time to figure out exactly what you want (which obviously isn’t the person you’re dating). But is throwing in the romantic towel over a Facebook private message or your gmail account ever a good choice? Hmm … now that’s a good question.

What if you’ve only been on a few dates with the person? Then maybe, sure, why not send a polite but direct email to that casual acquaintance stating that your time together was fun but that you’re looking for something different? But what if you’ve been dating for weeks or even a few months and the other person doesn’t suspect anything is wrong with the way things are progressing? How can we legitimize a breakup email with someone who’s earned the right to a conversation? Plus, have you ever heard a story that begins with he broke up with me over email … and ends with … but we’re still really good friends? At least I haven’t. Odds are you’ll hear a better story about someone buying the best sushi they’ve ever tasted from a gas station freezer. In other words, not good.

However, email might be the right choice to segue into the breakup convo you want to have. What’s wrong with an email that simply states, we need to talk? It could be a convenient prep for the big discussion, deflating some of the heated drama beforehand. Still, though, an email or even a text message that hints at an impending doom could get you in some serious hot water. Think of the rumors about you that could spread around town or over the Internet:

• He doesn’t have the balls to call it quits to my face.

• My ex couldn’t even do me the dignity of discussing the breakup like adults.
• Who would want to date a person who can’t communicate in person but only by Facebook chat?

Let’s not forget about the option to reply either. You press that “Send” button, and you’re essentially inviting that person to respond with the full blast of their emotions, detailing all the situations and reactions that proved exactly how bad a girlfriend or boyfriend you were, be them truthful or distorted. At that point, all you can do is take the abuse and repeat how over the relationship you truly are (if you respond at all, which is yet another even greyer area than sending the email in the first place).

When It Can Be OK to Breakup Over Email

Look, breaking up is always hard to do, especially when you still care about the person with whom you’re cutting ties. But remember that only you know whether an email is appropriate or not (although it helps to get the opinion of a third party). A brief email with a few reasons for the breakup may actually be your best chance to come away relatively unscathed, should you venture down the cyber-path to relationship freedom.

Bear in mind that there are always extenuating circumstances. Maybe your better half cheated on you, and you don’t particularly want to make a scene in a public place. Maybe you cheated on them, and every time you open your mouth to tell them, something completely different comes out. Maybe your band is leaving on tour and you don’t think you can be faithful to a person you’ve only been seeing for two months. (An email breakup from a musician may be sleazy but realistic!) All in all, better judgment and common sense will save you from hurting your partner in the long run, and you may need to use email as a last resort given your situation.

Only one thing’s for certain: in-person breakups are always acceptable when handled with maturity and grace, but most (if not all) emails raise serious questions that may instigate tears, anger, fury, hope and who knows what else. Good or bad choice? Just remember that emails don’t absolve you, and they could cost you more time and emotional stress in the long run. A conversation may last a few hours at most, but at least you walk away clean, whereas pressing “send” may open the doorway to a barrage of responses and rumors that may irrevocably tarnish your dating reputation for months afterwards (if not longer, especially if you travel in similar circles).

Comment below: Have you ever broken up over email?

Facebook’s “relationship status change” is among the most awkward of social media status alerts, and it’s not difficult to see why. In the past, couples only sent out announcements for joyous occasions like engagements or births, and the expected response was “Congratulations!” But bad news is much harder to handle appropriately, and Facebook status updates provide a perplexingly small amount of information about breakups. Did she cheat? Was it a long time coming? Did it end in a huge fight or with a hug? That information affects how people react to the news of your breakup in real life, but on Facebook, you’re giving them news with no context. This can cause inquiries to come pouring in, and the recently-heartbroken usually feel one of two ways: either they want to talk about it, or they really, really don’t. Here’s how those in each camp can navigate Facebook in the days after the split:

If you want to talk about it…

• Change your relationship status publicly, and post a vaguely breakup-related update that invites commentary. (“Doing okay, thanks to everyone who’s checked in.”). Avoid being high drama (“Lost in agony. My heart will never heal”) or slandering your ex, as both of these things make you look silly and prevent people from wanting to talk to you.
• Respond to questions with a short thank you, and if you’re close, share whatever details you’re comfortable with. Try to be even-handed in your portrayal of your ex unless they’ve done something really heinous. This is especially important if you have mutual friends.
• If you’re getting tons of mail, write out a short blanket answer to inquiries about the relationship. Provide only the bare facts. Send this mini note to people who deserve to know what’s up, but with whom you don’t feel like engaging in a long personal discussion.
• Try not to go into gory detail on your wall or comments sections. Thank people for stopping by, but save the dishing on what happened and who’s to blame for private messages. People who are genuinely concerned will follow up a wall post with an e-mail if they see that you’re not giving the scoop on your wall.
• Know that you don’t have to respond to strangers or casual acquaintances. It’s not nice, but some people just want something to gossip about. You are not obligated to provide it. You don’t have to be nice to ambulance-chasers, either. (You know that creepy guy expressing condolences on your wall is going to ask you out within the week).
• Bottom line: Take care of you. Rely on the friends who are around all the time, not just those who appear when you’re facing drama. Remember that when you break up on Facebook, you’re breaking up publicly. The hurt and anger you feel immediately after a breakup will diminish, but the impressions you make when handling it are probably going to last. Do your best to conduct yourself with class and dignity. You may not have your former partner, but you can still hang on to your pride.

If you don’t want to talk about it…

Feel like doing the Facebook equivalent of turning off your phone and hiding out with Ben & Jerry until you’re pretty sure no one remembers you were in a relationship in the first place? Here’s how:

• Consider changing your privacy options on Facebook to avoid broadcasting the news. You have two options:
  1. Prevent the status update from appearing in the News Feed. (You’ll find it under Settings> Privacy Settings > News Feed and Wall. Un-check the box in the Highlights section that says “Change relationship status”).
  2. Disable your relationship status. This removes the relationship status line from your profile entirely, and the change doesn’t appear in any feeds. (Click on the Profile link in the top navigation, then click on the Info tab. Click on “Edit Information” above the Basic Information section, then click on the drop-down Relationship Status menu. The top row of those selections (the one above “Single”) is blank. Select that blank row and click save. When you view your profile again, your relationship status will be nowhere in sight, and no one will have been notified of any changes.)
• Pen a non-committal status update that doesn’t reference your breakup, but doesn’t mislead either or invite commentary from those who might know about the breakup. (“Low key day. Hiding out for a little while.”)
• It’s totally appropriate to politely indicate that you need privacy. When faced with “OMG what happened!?!” just respond, “Hey, thanks for checking in. I’ll call you in a day or two when I feel more like talking, okay?” You can also avoid wall conversation by disabling your friends’ ability to comment on your wall. (Go to Settings > Privacy Settings > Profile > Wall Posts. Uncheck the “Friends may post to my wall” box).
• Consider un-friending your ex. If they takes the “Everything’s fine, really, having the time of my life” approach, it may cause you to obsess over their profile when you really should be giving your own heart time to heal. (Also, remember that even if you choose the most under-the-radar way to change your own status, you have no control over how your former flame updates. If they update publicly, your news may still show up in the feeds of mutual friends.)
• If you really can’t deal, there’s no shame in actually hiding out for a few days. Just indicate in your status update that you’re taking a break. (“Taking a few days off from FB. Back soon” should do the trick). Ultimately, managing your breakup is about what you need to do to feel okay. If you prefer to play matters of the heart close to the chest, it’s your right to do so. And if you’re the private sort, you may want to leave that relationship status disabled permanently. In the future, you can always announce new love in a wall post, a status update, or a profile picture without the awkwardness of having to un-relationship yourself if things turn sour down the road.

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• Your Facebook relationship status: What isn’t “complicated”?
• Facebook revenge: Announcing your breakup and blocking your ex

Maybe you want to get this bitterness out of your system, and truth be told, you may have many justifiable grievances. Perhaps he cheated on you with another woman, or she belittled you in front of your closest friends — but try to remember that you’re no longer dating. There’s no need to win this fight, because it’s already over. Your online negative campaign is a waste of your precious energy.

Naturally, you want your ex to suffer. Filled with adrenaline and hopped up on your newfound freedom, you’re tempted to furiously peck at your laptop and reveal the horrible stories that led to your infamous breakup. You secretly hope that your ex reads your scathing remarks about their starving libido or that they’ll find out you’re dating someone new.

Reasons to Not Press POST

Blogs have become powerful tools for the dissemination of information and opinions to people around the world, and abusing this beautiful instrument of communication will only serve to taint your reputation down the line. By posting that blog entry, you’ll only give your ex the justification they need to plead innocence to their friends (and your friends, too). “Just read their blog,” they could say, “and you’ll understand why I finally called it quits.”

[ad]And think about your readers. Your intimate jabs and jaded posts will likely incite them to respond with similar below-the-belt comments. They may call you psycho or prudish or god forbid unattractive, with the intent to goad you further into your self-sabotaging diatribes as they giggle from the sidelines.

Also consider the future repercussions of your blogging slander. Do you really want to ruin a cosmic connection with a new love interest because they google your name and uncover your insane tirade about some guy or girl you dated for a few months?

Face it … even if you’re publishing under a pseudonym and change the name of your ex, someone in your circle will inevitably stumble upon your blog, and then you’re really screwed. Or rather, you may never be screwed again once everyone in town discovers how much you enjoy bashing your exes behind their backs. A few scathing remarks may make you feel great for a hour, but when people in your little universe start to gossip and you notice a former friend giggling at you from the other side of the bar, see how great you feel then!

If you must blog, do it with some style. Talk about your own feelings instead of sticking it to your ex. If you’re writing while in the midst of fury and resentment, save your post as a draft and read it over a day later. Even if your former partner screwed you over royally, what will really disturb them is a lack of response. Cyber-slander won’t win your ex back, if they’re even worth a second chance. And why would you blog about them if they’re not?
 
 

Thanks to the immediate protection and tempting passive-aggressive opportunities afforded by Facebook, we continued our trivial war for weeks afterwards, scrambling to curry the favor of mutual friends with links to humorous videos, quizzes that revealed how well we knew each other, and invitations to exciting local events that our group of friends (including my ex-girlfriend) would have attended anyway — as if this battle for friends could have resulted in anything less than disaster. We tried in vain to use Facebook to signal the magnetism of our character and perhaps instill some doubt in the other person — of course, with no intention of dating each other ever again.

Checking her profile almost daily, it wasn’t long before I felt like an honorary member of the Facebook group mentioned in this year’s Best American Non-Required Reading, a group ironically titled “Where Stalkers Unite.” Soon, however — wise to our growing obsession with online revenge — she eventually removed me from her friend list altogether. In retrospect, my removal was perhaps for the better: she ended our digital dance and provided closure to our breakup, both online and off.

In truth, Facebook not only gives members the unique ability to easily connect with our friends, some parted by thousands of miles, but it also allows us to spy on old flames who have since receded to smoldering ashes. We desperately blow on the dwindling fire in hopes of rekindling something lost. Even if there is no hope of starting again, we at least demonstrate — as evidenced by the comments on our walls by other men and/or women — how obviously wrong the other person was to break off the relationship.

Perhaps Facebook grants the brokenhearted the new opportunity, from the sanctuary of our computers, for some emotional catharsis. Yet maybe this new online battleground has only served to feed our unhealthy desires for relationship vengeance in the digital era, infecting our hearts with new online psychoses. Whether psychologically helpful or destructive, only one thing’s for certain: Facebook opens new potential for accepting breakups, even if a few punches land below the belt.

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• Breaking up (on Facebook) is hard to do
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