Not everyone is truthful about their promiscuous habits with the people they’re supposedly dating. Go figure — people still lie about cheating, especially now that online communities have made the game that much easier to play. Without so much as a whisper of the transgression — the evidence lost in deleted emails and erased text messages — anyone can now start a steamy profile and check the box marked, “discreet relationship.” Just think about how often NSA appears on Craigslist nowadays. And what about our password-protected emails and accounts? All you have to do is clear your private data, and your boyfriend or girlfriend will be none the wiser.

Now perhaps more than ever before, sexual secrecy has become the cornerstone of many social networks and online dating communities — fling.com and xtube.com [NSFW], just to name a few. That said, as we transfer our lives online and live out fantasies in the digital world, how can we tell if our better halves are stepping out for a little play on the side? Essentially, what are some of the telltale signs your lover is using the internet to meet, greet, and heat up the sheets with another person other than yourself?

• Are they chatting online when you’re around? Chronic chatting when you’re actually in the room could be just another way of neglecting you, because they might busy laying the groundwork for a discreet encounter with another person. True, everyone chats online these days, but when partners close or minimize chat windows when you come close, that’s a good indication they’re up to something they don’t want you to know about.

• Are they obsessed with deleting their text messages? Text messages can include some pretty risqué language and leave a trail of breadcrumbs leading right to a motel with a do-not-disturb sign hanging on the doorknob. If your lover is deleting their messages constantly, then you can be relatively sure it’s not because they want to save room on their phone for more pictures of the two of you together.
• Do they close emails whenever you show up? Like chats, emails can really reveal the true intentions of a person. Unlike chats, however, emails are much more pointed, and the questions are much more focused. When and where do you want to meet? Does your husband suspect anything? Would you like to see some more x-rated photos or what? Who knows what other details and photos a lover could send to their partner in crime?
• Do they keep their digital life separate from you? Almost everyone these days leads a double life — there’s the life where we venture out to the bar, attend matinees, and cook dinner at home; and then there’s the life we lead online, where anyone can flirt, exchange photos, and arrange an erotic rendezvous. If your partner isn’t sharing his online behavior and comments with you — some even block their girlfriends or boyfriends from seeing their Facebook comments — then that should definitely send up some red flags.
• Are they deleting their online history? “Where have you been?” a disgruntled lover may ask when you come home late, but shouldn’t we be able to ask the same question about each other’s online lives? If you use your lover’s computer from time to time and you find that there’s absolutely no history to speak of, then you might wonder if they’ve been signing in to their adult networks to keep up with some saucy communications.
• Are they hesitant to let you use their phone? Phones record almost everything — sent and received text messages, outgoing and incoming calls — and you never know when a steamy sext from your booty call could arrive. If your partner is extremely hesitant about loaning you their phone, even if only for a few minutes, then you might wonder if they’re afraid that you’ll see something they’ve previously kept hidden from you.

Really, there’s no way to know for certain whether or not your lover is cheating on you without confronting them. A strange email could just be some questionable spam in their inbox, and flirty chats with old flames may just be harmless fun. Nothing short of a confession (or catching them in the act) will prove that they’re guilty. But if your lover is going to extremes to mask their online (and offline) behavior, you should go with your instincts and either ask them about their suspicious behavior or at least tell them that it bothers you. Technology may make covering a cheater’s tracks easier, but always remember that nobody can hide forever, not even in the digital world.

Comment below: How did you find out that your lover was cheating?

Related: How to Tell If He’s a Cheater on an Online Dating Site

Different cheaters have different approaches to dishonesty, and this can make it difficult to suss out the truth. Many suspicious actions, when taken one at a time, don’t seem unusual. (Maybe he logs off with no explanation because his internet connection is awful, not because his wife has just walked into the room. But couple that with his inability to plan dates in public places, and it seems a little shadier.)

These six behaviors are all good indicators that your prospective boyfriend might be a cheater. Again, no one of them is a surefire sign of infidelity, but if this reads like a laundry list of his shortcomings, you may have gotten involved with a man who has something to hide.

• His profile lacks a picture (or the picture lacks a face). There are legitimate reasons a guy on a dating site might avoid posting a clear picture (he’s a teacher or public figure, or he just doesn’t have a recent or accurate photo). But it’s also possible that he’s trying to avoid posting too much identifying information to decrease his chances of being discovered as a cheater.

• He moves contact away from the dating site very quickly. You met on a dating site, but he wants all communications to take place outside that site. He might stop logging in, remove his picture, or delete his account after he’s hooked you. Some guys who cheat don’t mind having a profile on an online dating site, but they don’t want it to appear as though they’re actively looking for dates. Moving your communications away from dating sites has another sneaky benefit: if he gets caught, he can delete it to satisfy his girlfriend or wife – and you won’t be the wiser, since you’re already used to talking to him on g-chat.
• He wants no strings, but he’s aggressively private.  It’s not uncommon to find a guy online who wants a sexual relationship with no strings, and if that’s the way you roll, more power to you. But if you have the sense he’s hiding things from you, ask yourself why. Keeping some things to yourself in a casual relationship is normal, but going out of your way to hide the details of where you were and when isn’t. He has no reason to lie to you unless he has a secret that might put a cork in the booty bottle. Similarly, if he says he wants to date you but he only arranges meetings in private places or out-of-the-way locations, it’s possible that he’s trying to keep your relationship hidden from someone else.  
• He contacts you at weird times, or ends conversations abruptly. Maybe he’s only online late at night, or in small windows of time, or on certain days. If you notice an unusual pattern in how/when he contacts you, make a note of it. It might just be that he’s on a tight schedule, but it’s also possible that he’s squeezing your chats into times that he’s sure his girlfriend won’t discover. Another key clue: if he logs off or hangs up abruptly, he may’ve just heard keys in the door. (On the other hand, he also might’ve just lost his wifi signal. Listen to his explanation and apology and see if they ring true.)
• He avoids talking about past relationships. EVER. Certain guys feel like it’s impolite to gab to a new girl about old flames, so this isn’t a red alarm in and of itself. But if he goes out of his way to avoid talking about relationships even in situations where it would flow naturally, he may be afraid that thinking about relationships will remind him of his girl, and that his guilty face will give him away.  Ask him if he’s still in touch with the last girl he dated, and see how he responds.
• He acts erratically. The same old cheating clues still apply to guys from the interwebs. The standard list goes something like this: you catch him lying about seemingly trivial things, he can’t commit to dates in advance, he changes plans at the last minute, he leaves your earshot to take phone calls and then mumbles an excuse about work when he returns, or he wants to keep the relationship a secret. The list goes on, but the signs get pretty obvious from there.  If he’s a walking set of Alanis Morrissette lyrics, he’s probably a cheater.

If you recognize your man in the list above, it’s still not smart to jump to conclusions. There may be a good explanation for his behavior. If you’re worried, consider asking him outright if he’s seeing anyone else. If the relationship is more casual in nature (i.e., you’ve mutually agreed that you’re both open to seeing other people), just make it clear to him that you love the relationship and you really respect how honest you can be with one another. This gives him a good opening for him to come clean, and lets him know where you stand in terms of cheating.

Remember that most cheaters prefer sins of omission over bold-faced lies, so if you find your internet boy to be consistently vague about topics that are normally open for discussion, those topics may be outside his comfort zone because discussing them means lying… or losing you. Your best bet is to always directly ask your guy questions about your fears and to discuss your concerns. (If he’s not willing to have those discussions, you should probably lose him, whether he’s a cheater or not). Good luck!

Comment below: Have you ever found out a guy you met online was married?

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